Death Forms Creation

Last week Rob and I watched the movie, The Fountain. It was intriguing to see someone's take on life, eternal progression, etc. The line that caught me was "Death forms creation." I'm not sure why- but it struck me. I haven't stopped thinking about it.

At first the thought is somewhat depressing. Then you realize it is totally true. Look at the circle of life. An animal dies, decays and brings nutrients to the earth. Those nutrients in turn nourish new growth in plants. That is one physical way in which life is formed. Then there is a spiritual death. Each of us has gone or is going through it. Look at Adam. He had to "die" to come to earth and live in the Garden of Eden. Then again he went through a spiritual death by partaking of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. Thus being banished from the Garden, and creating a new life in "the World." Even Christ exemplified this idea- by the Crucifixion to the Resurrection.

There is a popular saying that is expressed when someone dies- "with death comes new life." Each time my sister or I would get pregnant we would fear that someone we loved would die. Thankfully that never came to fruition. What I witnessed happened in reverse order. Last July I lost my grandmother. In December I discovered that I was pregnant. This baby is a complete miracle to me (for the fact of no medical intervention). I see her as being a complete gift from God (as are my other 2 girls!). In so many ways I think of her as also being a gift from my grandmother. With death, my grandmother, came new life, my baby Ella. Once again- death forms creation.

Another example I have witnessed first hand is a spiritual death forming new life. My dear husband lost his faith and testimony. He hit rock bottom in the sense that he was no longer able to know if God even existed. Thankfully due to events in our lives the past few months- he's been able to recognize that there is a God. My dear husband is forming/creating a new spiritual life... somedays I love to hear and see what that creation beholds. Other days I struggle to see any form in his creation.

Life has many obstacles and challenges within it. Death is probably the hardest to deal with. I think the reason I loved this one line from the movie so much, is that it offers hope. We always think of death as being final, this allows death to be a mere stepping stone in the circle of life.

Last night I had multiple dreams around the same theme... pre-term labor. Each time I had the dream I was with a different friend (two that I haven't seen in a long time- but I was/is close to). Another time I was with my parents. Each time it was the same problem though- I was going into labor and I am only 26/27 weeks. Quite honestly it freaked me out. I just kept hoping to be put on bedrest, but the inevitable was birth. The interesting part of it (as I reflect on it now) I never got to the part about birth. I would wake up. So- hopefully that means it was just a dream and nothing more. Perhaps my own fears really wreaking havoc upon my night. I'm sure it was just that.

Pregnancy hormones are at full force! My mood swings are crazy! Rob didn't know what to do with me last night. I was grumpy, mad, and crying and I couldn't explain why. When he asked me what was wrong I burst out in tears- then laughed because I couldn't tell why! He was quite perplexed. So I told him to blame pregnancy. Granted, there are quite a few stresses in our lives right now- especially financial, so of course that doesn't help. But I'm feeling just plain crazy! =0) Although crying it out actually helped me feel a little better. Ahhh.... Should be interesting when I'm truly exhausted once our baby arrives! I'm hoping I won't be, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to be a wreck! FUN!

Life isn't too bad. The store is slowly progressing. I am trying to get new merchandise, etc. Rob has a new "grand opening" goal for June 1st. Maybe that one will see better success than the last. There is definitely a new level of stress when you are a store owner. I'm trying to figure out how to be there more, and yet keep a more "normal" life for my kids. I think for our family "normal" is spending some time at the store. I'm trying to keep the kids out of it as much as possible just so they can be kids, but things aren't able to get done there. Well- not as quickly. So- once again, we slightly adjust the schedule and see what we can do. =0)

Time to attack the day!

May

And so, here is May. Rob has officially been done with UPS for a month. It's been financially stressful, but oddly satisfying. The store is gaining progress slowly but surely, so that's good. There are positive signs surrounding me letting me know that the decisions we've made are right. I often think about how quickly Rob left UPS, how it would have been financially better to stay, but then it was such an emotional hell with him being there that this hardship is bearable with him not there.

Audrey is improving in her class. For Mother's Day the Kindergarten did a fashion show. It was so cute!! The kids chose their outfits- some wore team uniforms, halloween costumes, or just something special. Audrey's outfit was truly... Audrey. She wore her pink strappy "princess" dress, with her pink winter gloves, a pink scarf, carrying her pink "skirt" purse. She had her pink rose hair clip and her hair done in ringlets... like Goldilocks. She was pretty cute if I do say so myself. =0) And of course she hammed up the whole time in the spotlight. She sure can make me smile.

Nikki made me do her hair like Audrey's for the event. She wanted me to use the curling iron, but her hair was too wet. So I did Mom's trick of curling it around my finger. She wore one of her favorite dresses and the girls looked so cute. Nikki really is a girlie-girl. She is a fun one to be with. It was one of those days where you feel like a successful mother. It helped to have comments from so many ladies about how cute my girls were. Now if we could just be that cute everyday! hahaha.

For Mother's Day Rob and the girls gave me a certificate for a facial and haircut. The facial felt sooo good. It's moments like those when I really miss working in the salon. Hmmm.... The haircut was fine. A little too blah for me, but manageable. Now it's just a matter of growing it out again so I can get it the way I want it.

I have come to realize that my greatest challenge right now is organization. This is all inclusive! My time, money, house, and work. There is so much I want and need to do and so many nights where I reflect on the day, felt like it was busy, but then feel like I've really not accomplished anything. I don't know if this is a mother dilemma, or just me. So my new goal is to really get organized. This might sound bad- but Rob informed me last night that he would be working more, thus not being home as much. I was a little excited about it. I seem to get more accomplished when he's not around so much. It's not that I don't love his company- it's just that I don't get as much done. So hopefully with all the changes that seem to still be occurring, more good things will happen. =0) Only time will tell.

Sanity

As much as this venture is exciting... it's scary too! Thankfully, we are seeing some results of progress in the store. Our big "Grand Opening" was grand because of the great love and support from our friends and family. I think we had maybe 10 official customers. However- any business is good business right? =0) It was a good day, and the bbq was tasty. So- it's a start.

I have become the CFO of Mail Biz and the Kent Family. Depending on the day I feel quite overwhelmed. There is quite a bit to track between the two, and I seriously have a lot to learn as far as business accounting is concerned. However- I haven't goofed up too bad yet. So that's a bonus! =0) I look forward to finding a groove with the store and the deadlines, etc. I just have to keep reminding myself... it's only our second month there!

Many of our customers are excited about the changes we've made. I hope their excitement comes to fruition as far as using those services. Once again it's that whole patience issue.

Personal life- the girls are doing so much better now that life is a little more routine. They're happier, healthier, and love that their daddy can eat breakfast with them a little more often. This will be a great bonus when Miss Ella enters the family! Then Daddy can take Audrey to school in the morning. =0) YEAH!

I am a little nervous now as far as having this baby and being on Cobra. If my body actually cooperates I'm playing with the notion of having this baby au- natural. Who knows what will really happen!

As much as there is stress in this family, we're actually pretty happy. Rob is happier, the girls and I are happier, and somehow I just know that things are going to work out. These next few months will be tight... but it's going to be ok. It's nice to feel that comfort.

Here's to the future...

Ch-Ch-Changes...

And so a new chapter begins in the lives of the Kent family.

Audrey's cast is completely off. She still has a bit of a wobble in her walk, can't run too well, yet, but she is doing great! Nikki has become excited to be a big sister, but she's still a little girl as she likes to tell me. They are both growing too fast.

I had an ultrasound March 22nd, and found out this week that my due date has been moved back! ARGH! Not what a pregnant woman wants to hear. Our sweet baby girl is developing "normal" as far as they can tell, she's just small. So instead of being due August 11th, I am now due August 20th. It's really not that big of a deal except that Nikki's birthday is August 23rd! That's a little close together for me. Oh well- as a good friend said- it's all in how you sell it to them. It's inspired Rob to write a children's story about it. I can't wait to see it. =0)

The biggest change- we are store owners!! We have acquired a mailbox store in Laguna Hills. In the little over a month that we have taken over progress has been made. Our biggest day yet was yesterday! We are soooo excited about this one! With this big change came a monumental change for Rob... today he officially resigned from UPS. A 9 year era is at an end. He couldn't sleep at all last night (making it impossible for me too) due to his anxiety and excitement. People think we may be rushing it, but we have looked at the numbers and we know we can make it!

So- now I work at home. We have an employee, John, who is a veteran in the business and making sure we don't blow it. =0) I check in every-so-often, handle finances, see some of my customers, and check merchandise. Rob and John now run the show. It's exciting. And my girls are getting some regularity back in their lives! YEAH!

I hope all finds you well this beautiful April!

Happy Spring!

Improvements

Glory be, and Hallelujah!

Today Audrey's x-rays showed a lot of new bone growth! She has a new cast that only goes to her knee and not up to her mid-thigh. =0) She was traumatized by the experience today. She was crying/screaming when they removed the cast. She was upset that they ruined her pictures/signatures. And also panicked about the pain she thought she'd have. She's had multiple x-rays prior to this, but today she was crying/screaming through those too. When the Dr.- Dr. Figuroa, was examining her leg she was about to freak out about that too. He was very patient and kind to her and kept her very calm. This was probably the best visit we've had with the Dr.'s thus far. =0) The guy that put the new cast on Audrey was great too! She was really upset to have to give up the purple cast and was crying about it, but then he offered to do multiple colors, and she stopped crying. You could tell she was debating about her choices when she chose white! WHITE! Here is what I find cute. Another patient (a teenage girl) had come in with a white cast and it had colorful pictures all over it. This obviously put ideas in Audrey's head and thus she chose white. It's funny because the girl had a new cast put on (in the bed next to us) and she chose pink. =0) Audrey explained to the girl that pink casts hurt and that's why she chose something different. It was a cute moment. At least for a me- as her mother.

For the first 30 minutes or so Audrey refused to straighten her leg. Once we were home and she had the walker she's gotten a little more comfortable with the idea, and has even put a little weight on it. I am very excited for the progress she is making. I figure after this week I'll put her back in school. The Dr. doesn't want her putting a lot of weight on it for a week, so we'll have one last week of "taking it easy" and then we get back to reality.

Today has really been one of the best in a long time.

And baby makes 5...

Well it is official. I survived the first trimester of pregnancy without losing the baby to miscarriage. I have been on pins and needles. Kent baby #3 is due about mid-August. We are all so excited. I even heard the heartbeat today... 152 beats. Yeah!! Nice and strong. The mid-wife had a hard time finding it- this one's quite a mover, but boy did I feel relief once she did. =0)

We had Audrey's Dr. appt yesterday. After reviewing the x-rays, which looks like last weeks, (BUT with some new bone growth!!) the P.A. determined that surgery will more than likely NOT happen. =0) Also- we don't have to go back for 2 weeks, AND we can go to the San Marcos office! Boy did I like hearing that news. The only part I worry about is they have to remove the current cast, take x-rays, then depending on how those x-rays look, put on a new cast- maybe shorter, maybe the same. So probably another month of wearing a cast. (Boy was that a nasty break!)

My last post I asked the question what does motherhood mean to me. I have thought about it quite a bit. There is the generic answer of sleepless nights, comforting sadness, cleaning messes, etc. But then there is the deeper joy. It's your eyes tearing up watching the amazement on your little girls face when they watch Tinkerbell fly across the sky. It's enduring through your own heartache when you can't prevent a painful accident from happening. Motherhood is becoming a protective "mama bear" before you even know what the baby looks like or what sex the baby is. Motherhood, it's sacrificing yourself so that you can make your children's lives better. It's putting your selfish desires on hold, while you let your little one's desires be fulfilled.

I have had to listen to my mother struggle in dealing with caring for my sister as my sister deals with cancer. The anguish and turmoil that she faces with the slight possibility that her daughter could depart before her. I have watched, for a few years now, as my mother has tried to deal with another daughter who refuses to acknowledge who her real family is. These trials placed upon a mother are difficult to bear, and yet day after day, mothers around the world are fighting the fight. Why? Because there is something that happens to your soul when this tiny little being enters your world. You want nothing more than their happiness and well-being. It is a difficult road, not always appreciated. But the rewards you receive from your children, those are the moments you treasure. I have often wondered why my mother doesn't just let my sister go (the one that ignores us) but then I realize that would be impossible. This is her baby. This is her little girl. No matter how much hatred is thrown at you by your children, you take it. Why? Because you love them. Because you can't bear the thought of not having them, not creating any more memories with them. It's the hope that things will change and that love will overcome. It's the hope that maybe this year things will change. And who knows- maybe it will.

Last night I watched as my five year old made a card for her Daddy. It was a priceless moment. I also saw my three year old trying so hard to make her card perfect. How frustrating it was for her to be bound by the limited abilities of her age and experience. But the cards they made, those are the cards I love the most. Those are the moments you treasure forever. Those are the moments that make being a mother a great title. It really all comes down to love. Motherhood is all about love.