Miracles...part 1

Apparently I haven't written about the miraculous event of my third daughter. Sorry baby girl! It is in my personal journal so I'm not completely horrible, ha ha ha.

On the morning of Aug 18, 2010 I awoke at approximately 5:30 to uncomfortable pains in my lower abdomen. Being that I was officially 40 weeks pregnant you would figure that I would realize that these were labor pains- but alas, no, that was not the case. I figured them to be uncomfortable gas pains- they were centrally located and everything I had heard/read said labor pains are felt all over the abdomen and in the back. So- I'm a little clueless at times. These pains were quite uncomfortable and when it finally dawned on me about a half hour later that I just might be having contractions, and that my water had possibly broken, I decided then it would be a good idea to awake my dreaming husband. I thought I had plenty of time to get to the hospital but told him to call them to have them ready for our arrival. He did so and they said to come on down. He then phoned my mother to tell her to come when (according to my mother) I yelled for him to get in the bathroom. He came in to find me sitting on the toilet- in pain. He started joking about the day would be so long in the hospital when I started really hurting. I then started losing real control of my body. It became quite an out-of-body experience at this point. My body squatted (hovered over the toilet) and my legs froze. The pain was a great pressure on my bottom. It was at this point I knew I would not be able to get to the car to go to the hospital. I informed Rob that I was in pain and couldn't move. He asked me what to do- my reply? CALL 9-1-1!! The paramedic on the phone had Rob check to see if the head had crowned. Affirmative.

Paramedic: "Get her on the floor now."

Debbie: "I can't move."

Paramedic (much louder): "Get her off the toilet NOW!"

I took a couple steps (being that I could hear him through the phone) and Rob swooped me onto the floor. The paramedic then informed Rob to apply gentle counter-pressure to the baby's head as to prevent her from coming too fast. (Which is kind of funny to me being that we were in our bathroom and in labor and I hadn't been awake for 45 minutes yet either!) Rob went to apply the pressure and I yelled at him to get his hands off me. Contraction came, so did her face. Another contraction came, her whole head was out. Third contraction came, shoulders out- cord not a danger. Phew. Fourth contraction, my baby girl is officially born- 6:24 am. No paramedics. Just me, my husband and baby. It is quite a different feeling not having nurses, doctors, or visitors there. It was quiet (well- aside from my yells) and intimate. It took her a minute or so to start breathing- but she finally did and great relief filled my body. Not only was the pain gone- but my sweet baby was just fine. Two minutes after her arrival the paramedics made it in the bathroom. Welcome to the three-ring circus. Keep in mind- I am on the floor of my bathroom. My head is at the base of the toilet, my bottom is at the door. Great way to say hello. yikes.

The paramedics assessed the situation and immediately took control. I couldn't see Rob anymore- no room- and the whole thing seemed to go rather quickly. They cut the umbilical cord, took Ella and wrapped her up and got me onto the stretcher. At this point the paramedics asked me to not push anymore- keep the placenta in until we got to the hospital. Not the most comfortable feeling. They began to carry me out to the gurney when a slight problem occurred, they couldn't get the proper angle with the stretcher to get me out of the bedroom and into the hall! It was quite comedic. They did figure it out though and I was placed onto the gurney and whisked away to the ambulance. I heard them say to someone "she just had a baby" but I couldn't tell you if it was a man/woman or multiple on=lookers. The paramedic holding Ella looked like a proud papa. It was sweet to behold. (If I could I would like to get her picture with those guys.)

In the ambulance they checked me, started an IV and got permission to go to Kaiser Hospital. I don't know how long that process took- but it felt like forever. I know I kept asking how Ella was doing- if she was breathing. They informed me she was looking around and doing great. I was then told we would be riding code 3 to the hospital to avoid traffic congestion. Sweet! During the ride they were filling in paperwork and guesstimating Ella's weight. The paramedic holding her guessed around 6 pounds. I kept thinking how tiny that was and how that meant she was early and the dates were off. To me that was like having a preemie. I totally thought she was a pip-squeak. That made me slightly nervous. Once we arrived at the hospital the first thing the nurse asked me was: "what happened?!" Hmmm... let me think about this. She then started telling me how they were prepped and ready for me to have the baby there. Apparently my baby was ready much faster than her mother. No complaints here. =0) I was transferred onto the hospital bed- said good-bye to my paramedic friends and the Dr was summoned for the last phase of this birth. They gave me pitocin to get my uterus back into action and I actually had to exert myself to push out the placenta. That was a strange phenomena to me. With the other two there was no issue getting the placenta out. With this one due to having to wait so long, any urge to push was gone. I found it interesting. So anyways- got the placenta out (no problem), got cleaned up and Rob came in. That was when the whole incident hit me. That was when the tears came. Rob asked/made sure they were happy tears- of course. It's just such an overwhelming situation that once it sunk in that everyone was fine I couldn't contain my emotion any more. I remembered at this point (or maybe it was Rob) to ask for Ella's stats. She was 8 lbs 3 oz and 19 1/2 inches. Ahhh sweet relief. She was perfect. I finally got to hold her- she was hungry! The crazy nurses!! I was trying to nurse and they were trying to get my blood pressure and getting mad that I kept bending my arm where the IV was. SERIOUSLY?! I wanted to tell them to go away- I gave birth at home I think I'm ok. But that's not me. Rob finally told them to back off. =0) She ate- quite heartily and the three of us were left alone for a little bit. It was nice to have some intimacy once again. (There definitely are some perks to home birth!)

Once again I was moved, this time to the regular room and not the LDR. I remember being so anxious for Audrey and Nikki to come. It felt like forever until they arrived- and then they didn't stay very long. It was probably best- but I wanted them around. I wanted my little family to savor the moment that we had. Oh well. Their little visit was good. I had a great amount of energy- something I didn't have after the births of the other two. They took so long and happened so late that I would be exhausted.

This birth was truly crazy, amazing, and miraculous. I am so grateful to have three of the most beautiful girls in the world. I wouldn't give up being a mother for anything. I am so grateful that despite the diagnosis of infertility I received so many years ago- I was fortunate enough to have these three miracles. What a blessing I've been given.

Migration Revisited

I was so excited today to see a recent National Geographic magazine. The article was all about animal migration. I found it most interesting that the author pointed out these traits:

1. Migratory animals travel in a linear path- not zig-zag.

2. Migratory animals prepare for their travel.

3. Migratory animals seem to show a sense of purpose in their travel- and don't stray from that purpose for risk of perishing.

Once I read these things I knew my idea of migratory animals and religious people wasn't that far off. It's always nice to feel intelligent- even if it's for a brief moment! =0)

Where Were You...

Today is now known as "Patriot's Day" here in America. It was 9 years ago that millions of lives were changed forever. Why millions? Because even though 4 planes only hit 3 buildings (1 being thwarted off course by the brave actions of passengers) those planes and buildings had people within. Not only did the buildings have people within working, more came rushing to do their job and rescue those inside. Unfortunately many would die. So many people lost. I can't imagine the terror and heartache that was and is felt this day because of the horrible actions made 9 years ago.

On that day I was getting ready for work when I heard on the radio that the towers had been struck. I quickly turned on the TV to see the news. It was horrific to see the planes crash into the buildings and the feel the anguish within your stomach. I knew my mother-in-law worked downtown and the fear that came over me! I tried to call the family there to make sure all were safe- away from this horrific scene and an automated recording said "Due to natural disaster all lines are busy." All I could think was there was no natural about it. Thankfully the family was able to reach us and all were safe. I couldn't take my eyes off the TV. When the buildings went down it was horrible. Knowing so many people were trapped inside, hoping that somehow a miracle would happen and they would all be rescued, but knowing that wouldn't be the case. Oh it was a horrific day. The shear tragedy of it all.

Just recently (within the past 2 months) I found out a woman at church had a brother on one of the planes that went into one of the buildings of the WTC. The absolute grief that not only she faced and continues to face, but her sister-in-law too. Another associate of mine, a business owner a few doors down from our store, had a dear friend lost in the WTC. It so happened that her nephew was on the phone with the friend when the tower was hit. She still deals with the grief of that day. I can only imagine the heartache that is felt for so many others.

Rob and I were able to visit Ground Zero a little more than a year after the event. It was absolutely one of the hardest things to see. At that point it was a giant pit- looked like a construction zone. It was different from a construction site by the mere reverence there. A homeless man was playing patriotic songs on a flute or piccolo. Then played Danny Boy. I began to cry. Red flowers were placed in the gate as a memorial by strangers. Posters, fliers, shirts, tiles were everywhere showing people still missing. You couldn't help but feel the heartache that resides there.

It was a horrific day- one full of tragedy. It is a day that will never be forgotten.

May God bless us.

The Micah Mandate

While reading the book The Faith of the American Soldier by Stephen Mansfield, I came across this message given by President Theodore Roosevelt.

The teaching of the New Testament is foreshadowed in Micah's verse,

"He has shown you, O man, what is good and what the Lord requires

of you: but to do justice and to love mercy, and walk humbly with

your God" (Micah 6:8)

Do justice; and therefore fight valiantly against those who stand for

the reign of Molech and Beelzebub on this earth.

Love mercy; treat your enemies well, suffer the afflicted, treat every

woman as though she were your sister, care for the little children,

rescue the perishing, and be tender with the old and helpless.

Walk humbly; you will do so if you study the life and teaching of the

Savior, walking in His steps.

Remember, the most perfect machinery of government will not keep

us as a nation if there is not within us a soul, no abounding of material

prosperity shall avail us if out spiritual sense is atrophied. The foes

of our own household will surely prevail against us unless there be in

our people an inner life which finds its outward expression in a morality

like unto that preached by the seers and the prophets of God when the

grandeur that was Greece and the glory that was Rome still lay in the future.

These words were given by a former president of the United States sending men to battle in the First World War. How much could we as Americans use these words today. So much of our society could use the advice to "Do Justice...Love mercy...and Walk humbly." How different a time we live in. 1917 the President of the United States freely quotes the Bible and tells his soldiers to abide by its teachings. 2010 that is unheard of. The President of the United States would be ridiculed and threatened if he took such a step with the troops. (As this author focuses on throughout the book.)

I don't know- I really like this quote. I like the message it shares- basically "The Golden Rule". Even though you may be soldiers in a war- fighting for your life- there are others that need you. Care for them- love them. You are fighting not just for your own freedom, but the freedom of others. Everyday we enter our own battles. Some are literally in a war zone- others are in a more emotional/spiritual war zone. Yet, if we could each take the advice of President Roosevelt and remember those in need around us, our selves would be better, and our society would be better.

Migration Part II

A point was brought to my attention about being "a wild animal". So of course I have been thinking about that quite a bit. The "wild animal" was defined as non-migratory and more of a singular figure rather than being in a herd. So they gather their direction without any pre-determined path. I realized that these "wild animals" may not migrate like other animals- but they do follow the path of the herd. This is how they gain their sustenance- following the path of the herd- making themselves predators. They do not follow for the exact same reason- but the main reason for both groups of animals is for "food". The "wild animals" don't follow the complete migratory pattern- but they do follow the "food."

So in a way- it seems like even in nature there is a need for sustenance, protection, and guidance that is found in the "herd"- whether or not you are part of the "herd". Even the "wild animal" relies upon the herd.

Another question was raised about the "migratory" animal and the "wild" animal. How do you mesh their lives? How do they live the way they each feel they should and co-exist? I think the answer is also found in nature- they don't. One will always be predator and the other prey. I can't think of any examples to refute this. However- I'd love to know if I'm wrong on this one.

Just some more food for thought.

Migration

I had a thought tonight that I need to think about some more- but I found interesting. Yesterday I had a conversation with a gentleman who said he's spiritual but not religious. It's not the first time I've heard this, but I never know how to respond to it. Then tonight I had a thought- migratory animals follow a certain path. It is a path to lead them to the proper place at the proper time. If they don't follow this path they become lost and risk serious peril. They could get lucky and survive, but more often than not they lose their life. Sometimes these stray animals are noticed and receive help to get to their proper destination before any real harm can befall them, but that is not always the case. The other interesting fact is that these migratory animals have to be shown the correct path to get to the correct destination. They can't rely purely on their instinct- they must be shown. This migration path happens within the first year of the animals life.

So what does migration have to do with religion and spirituality? We as individuals seek guidance and have all forms of spiritual insight/instinct. What does religion do? Religion is like the proper migratory path- with it you are able to get to the proper destination with less peril than trying to make it on your own. Do obstacles still arise- of course. However, with the guidance of religion you are able to reach your destination faster and with fewer complications. You also have the benefit of not being alone. You have a whole group with you (like the migratory animal) to encourage, buoy, protect, and help you along the way. It just makes sense that religion is around to encourage your individual spirituality versus merely controlling your spirituality.

I think then that should I be confronted with this statement again- I may have enough nerve to share my comparison. I suppose it will just have to depend on the person I am conversing with.

Desperate Times...Desperate Measures...

Here it is July and I haven't been doing well at keeping up to date in this blog.

Life is good- my family is healthy, we currently have a roof over our heads, and business is holding steady. All of these things should make me one happy mama. It would if stress wasn't mingled in there. Stress- it definitely wreaks havoc upon a soul. Now more than ever I can appreciate the words- "if ye are prepared, ye shall not fear." In all the many variations of scenarios that play in our lives- as long as you do your best to be prepared for each of them- you'll have that security/peace of mind.

I have definitely NOT heeded that advice- and man do I regret it. I could really use the peace of mind right now. There is enough stress with a brand new baby coming into our family that I could use a break from the rest of the stress weighing on me. However- because of my own short-sightedness (word?) I am not able to bask in the glory of just baby stress. Oh yes- there is the other saying... "this too shall pass." But it's all the happenings until "this" passes that cause concern. (Not very hopeful today.)

To try to counter act some of the stress I am trying to sell Avon. Perhaps not the best choice when you are shy or a bit of an introvert. I suppose it's time for me to overcome that obstacle. I am also trying to become a "vendor" for charter schools- teaching piano. We'll see what ends up happening with that.

May we each survive our different struggles until "this too shall pass."

Death Forms Creation

Last week Rob and I watched the movie, The Fountain. It was intriguing to see someone's take on life, eternal progression, etc. The line that caught me was "Death forms creation." I'm not sure why- but it struck me. I haven't stopped thinking about it.

At first the thought is somewhat depressing. Then you realize it is totally true. Look at the circle of life. An animal dies, decays and brings nutrients to the earth. Those nutrients in turn nourish new growth in plants. That is one physical way in which life is formed. Then there is a spiritual death. Each of us has gone or is going through it. Look at Adam. He had to "die" to come to earth and live in the Garden of Eden. Then again he went through a spiritual death by partaking of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. Thus being banished from the Garden, and creating a new life in "the World." Even Christ exemplified this idea- by the Crucifixion to the Resurrection.

There is a popular saying that is expressed when someone dies- "with death comes new life." Each time my sister or I would get pregnant we would fear that someone we loved would die. Thankfully that never came to fruition. What I witnessed happened in reverse order. Last July I lost my grandmother. In December I discovered that I was pregnant. This baby is a complete miracle to me (for the fact of no medical intervention). I see her as being a complete gift from God (as are my other 2 girls!). In so many ways I think of her as also being a gift from my grandmother. With death, my grandmother, came new life, my baby Ella. Once again- death forms creation.

Another example I have witnessed first hand is a spiritual death forming new life. My dear husband lost his faith and testimony. He hit rock bottom in the sense that he was no longer able to know if God even existed. Thankfully due to events in our lives the past few months- he's been able to recognize that there is a God. My dear husband is forming/creating a new spiritual life... somedays I love to hear and see what that creation beholds. Other days I struggle to see any form in his creation.

Life has many obstacles and challenges within it. Death is probably the hardest to deal with. I think the reason I loved this one line from the movie so much, is that it offers hope. We always think of death as being final, this allows death to be a mere stepping stone in the circle of life.

Last night I had multiple dreams around the same theme... pre-term labor. Each time I had the dream I was with a different friend (two that I haven't seen in a long time- but I was/is close to). Another time I was with my parents. Each time it was the same problem though- I was going into labor and I am only 26/27 weeks. Quite honestly it freaked me out. I just kept hoping to be put on bedrest, but the inevitable was birth. The interesting part of it (as I reflect on it now) I never got to the part about birth. I would wake up. So- hopefully that means it was just a dream and nothing more. Perhaps my own fears really wreaking havoc upon my night. I'm sure it was just that.

Pregnancy hormones are at full force! My mood swings are crazy! Rob didn't know what to do with me last night. I was grumpy, mad, and crying and I couldn't explain why. When he asked me what was wrong I burst out in tears- then laughed because I couldn't tell why! He was quite perplexed. So I told him to blame pregnancy. Granted, there are quite a few stresses in our lives right now- especially financial, so of course that doesn't help. But I'm feeling just plain crazy! =0) Although crying it out actually helped me feel a little better. Ahhh.... Should be interesting when I'm truly exhausted once our baby arrives! I'm hoping I won't be, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to be a wreck! FUN!

Life isn't too bad. The store is slowly progressing. I am trying to get new merchandise, etc. Rob has a new "grand opening" goal for June 1st. Maybe that one will see better success than the last. There is definitely a new level of stress when you are a store owner. I'm trying to figure out how to be there more, and yet keep a more "normal" life for my kids. I think for our family "normal" is spending some time at the store. I'm trying to keep the kids out of it as much as possible just so they can be kids, but things aren't able to get done there. Well- not as quickly. So- once again, we slightly adjust the schedule and see what we can do. =0)

Time to attack the day!

May

And so, here is May. Rob has officially been done with UPS for a month. It's been financially stressful, but oddly satisfying. The store is gaining progress slowly but surely, so that's good. There are positive signs surrounding me letting me know that the decisions we've made are right. I often think about how quickly Rob left UPS, how it would have been financially better to stay, but then it was such an emotional hell with him being there that this hardship is bearable with him not there.

Audrey is improving in her class. For Mother's Day the Kindergarten did a fashion show. It was so cute!! The kids chose their outfits- some wore team uniforms, halloween costumes, or just something special. Audrey's outfit was truly... Audrey. She wore her pink strappy "princess" dress, with her pink winter gloves, a pink scarf, carrying her pink "skirt" purse. She had her pink rose hair clip and her hair done in ringlets... like Goldilocks. She was pretty cute if I do say so myself. =0) And of course she hammed up the whole time in the spotlight. She sure can make me smile.

Nikki made me do her hair like Audrey's for the event. She wanted me to use the curling iron, but her hair was too wet. So I did Mom's trick of curling it around my finger. She wore one of her favorite dresses and the girls looked so cute. Nikki really is a girlie-girl. She is a fun one to be with. It was one of those days where you feel like a successful mother. It helped to have comments from so many ladies about how cute my girls were. Now if we could just be that cute everyday! hahaha.

For Mother's Day Rob and the girls gave me a certificate for a facial and haircut. The facial felt sooo good. It's moments like those when I really miss working in the salon. Hmmm.... The haircut was fine. A little too blah for me, but manageable. Now it's just a matter of growing it out again so I can get it the way I want it.

I have come to realize that my greatest challenge right now is organization. This is all inclusive! My time, money, house, and work. There is so much I want and need to do and so many nights where I reflect on the day, felt like it was busy, but then feel like I've really not accomplished anything. I don't know if this is a mother dilemma, or just me. So my new goal is to really get organized. This might sound bad- but Rob informed me last night that he would be working more, thus not being home as much. I was a little excited about it. I seem to get more accomplished when he's not around so much. It's not that I don't love his company- it's just that I don't get as much done. So hopefully with all the changes that seem to still be occurring, more good things will happen. =0) Only time will tell.

Sanity

As much as this venture is exciting... it's scary too! Thankfully, we are seeing some results of progress in the store. Our big "Grand Opening" was grand because of the great love and support from our friends and family. I think we had maybe 10 official customers. However- any business is good business right? =0) It was a good day, and the bbq was tasty. So- it's a start.

I have become the CFO of Mail Biz and the Kent Family. Depending on the day I feel quite overwhelmed. There is quite a bit to track between the two, and I seriously have a lot to learn as far as business accounting is concerned. However- I haven't goofed up too bad yet. So that's a bonus! =0) I look forward to finding a groove with the store and the deadlines, etc. I just have to keep reminding myself... it's only our second month there!

Many of our customers are excited about the changes we've made. I hope their excitement comes to fruition as far as using those services. Once again it's that whole patience issue.

Personal life- the girls are doing so much better now that life is a little more routine. They're happier, healthier, and love that their daddy can eat breakfast with them a little more often. This will be a great bonus when Miss Ella enters the family! Then Daddy can take Audrey to school in the morning. =0) YEAH!

I am a little nervous now as far as having this baby and being on Cobra. If my body actually cooperates I'm playing with the notion of having this baby au- natural. Who knows what will really happen!

As much as there is stress in this family, we're actually pretty happy. Rob is happier, the girls and I are happier, and somehow I just know that things are going to work out. These next few months will be tight... but it's going to be ok. It's nice to feel that comfort.

Here's to the future...

Ch-Ch-Changes...

And so a new chapter begins in the lives of the Kent family.

Audrey's cast is completely off. She still has a bit of a wobble in her walk, can't run too well, yet, but she is doing great! Nikki has become excited to be a big sister, but she's still a little girl as she likes to tell me. They are both growing too fast.

I had an ultrasound March 22nd, and found out this week that my due date has been moved back! ARGH! Not what a pregnant woman wants to hear. Our sweet baby girl is developing "normal" as far as they can tell, she's just small. So instead of being due August 11th, I am now due August 20th. It's really not that big of a deal except that Nikki's birthday is August 23rd! That's a little close together for me. Oh well- as a good friend said- it's all in how you sell it to them. It's inspired Rob to write a children's story about it. I can't wait to see it. =0)

The biggest change- we are store owners!! We have acquired a mailbox store in Laguna Hills. In the little over a month that we have taken over progress has been made. Our biggest day yet was yesterday! We are soooo excited about this one! With this big change came a monumental change for Rob... today he officially resigned from UPS. A 9 year era is at an end. He couldn't sleep at all last night (making it impossible for me too) due to his anxiety and excitement. People think we may be rushing it, but we have looked at the numbers and we know we can make it!

So- now I work at home. We have an employee, John, who is a veteran in the business and making sure we don't blow it. =0) I check in every-so-often, handle finances, see some of my customers, and check merchandise. Rob and John now run the show. It's exciting. And my girls are getting some regularity back in their lives! YEAH!

I hope all finds you well this beautiful April!

Happy Spring!

Improvements

Glory be, and Hallelujah!

Today Audrey's x-rays showed a lot of new bone growth! She has a new cast that only goes to her knee and not up to her mid-thigh. =0) She was traumatized by the experience today. She was crying/screaming when they removed the cast. She was upset that they ruined her pictures/signatures. And also panicked about the pain she thought she'd have. She's had multiple x-rays prior to this, but today she was crying/screaming through those too. When the Dr.- Dr. Figuroa, was examining her leg she was about to freak out about that too. He was very patient and kind to her and kept her very calm. This was probably the best visit we've had with the Dr.'s thus far. =0) The guy that put the new cast on Audrey was great too! She was really upset to have to give up the purple cast and was crying about it, but then he offered to do multiple colors, and she stopped crying. You could tell she was debating about her choices when she chose white! WHITE! Here is what I find cute. Another patient (a teenage girl) had come in with a white cast and it had colorful pictures all over it. This obviously put ideas in Audrey's head and thus she chose white. It's funny because the girl had a new cast put on (in the bed next to us) and she chose pink. =0) Audrey explained to the girl that pink casts hurt and that's why she chose something different. It was a cute moment. At least for a me- as her mother.

For the first 30 minutes or so Audrey refused to straighten her leg. Once we were home and she had the walker she's gotten a little more comfortable with the idea, and has even put a little weight on it. I am very excited for the progress she is making. I figure after this week I'll put her back in school. The Dr. doesn't want her putting a lot of weight on it for a week, so we'll have one last week of "taking it easy" and then we get back to reality.

Today has really been one of the best in a long time.

And baby makes 5...

Well it is official. I survived the first trimester of pregnancy without losing the baby to miscarriage. I have been on pins and needles. Kent baby #3 is due about mid-August. We are all so excited. I even heard the heartbeat today... 152 beats. Yeah!! Nice and strong. The mid-wife had a hard time finding it- this one's quite a mover, but boy did I feel relief once she did. =0)

We had Audrey's Dr. appt yesterday. After reviewing the x-rays, which looks like last weeks, (BUT with some new bone growth!!) the P.A. determined that surgery will more than likely NOT happen. =0) Also- we don't have to go back for 2 weeks, AND we can go to the San Marcos office! Boy did I like hearing that news. The only part I worry about is they have to remove the current cast, take x-rays, then depending on how those x-rays look, put on a new cast- maybe shorter, maybe the same. So probably another month of wearing a cast. (Boy was that a nasty break!)

My last post I asked the question what does motherhood mean to me. I have thought about it quite a bit. There is the generic answer of sleepless nights, comforting sadness, cleaning messes, etc. But then there is the deeper joy. It's your eyes tearing up watching the amazement on your little girls face when they watch Tinkerbell fly across the sky. It's enduring through your own heartache when you can't prevent a painful accident from happening. Motherhood is becoming a protective "mama bear" before you even know what the baby looks like or what sex the baby is. Motherhood, it's sacrificing yourself so that you can make your children's lives better. It's putting your selfish desires on hold, while you let your little one's desires be fulfilled.

I have had to listen to my mother struggle in dealing with caring for my sister as my sister deals with cancer. The anguish and turmoil that she faces with the slight possibility that her daughter could depart before her. I have watched, for a few years now, as my mother has tried to deal with another daughter who refuses to acknowledge who her real family is. These trials placed upon a mother are difficult to bear, and yet day after day, mothers around the world are fighting the fight. Why? Because there is something that happens to your soul when this tiny little being enters your world. You want nothing more than their happiness and well-being. It is a difficult road, not always appreciated. But the rewards you receive from your children, those are the moments you treasure. I have often wondered why my mother doesn't just let my sister go (the one that ignores us) but then I realize that would be impossible. This is her baby. This is her little girl. No matter how much hatred is thrown at you by your children, you take it. Why? Because you love them. Because you can't bear the thought of not having them, not creating any more memories with them. It's the hope that things will change and that love will overcome. It's the hope that maybe this year things will change. And who knows- maybe it will.

Last night I watched as my five year old made a card for her Daddy. It was a priceless moment. I also saw my three year old trying so hard to make her card perfect. How frustrating it was for her to be bound by the limited abilities of her age and experience. But the cards they made, those are the cards I love the most. Those are the moments you treasure forever. Those are the moments that make being a mother a great title. It really all comes down to love. Motherhood is all about love.

Motherhood

It is Wednesday and my week is going well. Punx. Phil determined 6 more weeks of winter... I think I can manage. =0) Audrey's Dr. appt went well on Monday. The Dr. said next week should be the last appt that we need to travel to San Diego, the rest can be in San Marcos. Why do we have to drive 45 minutes to San Diego every week? Because if they need to do surgery, she's already at the hospital, no extra transportation required. Translation: It's more convenient for the Dr.s if she's already at the hospital. Nevermind the fact that our drive would only be 15 minutes instead of 45 for a visit that only takes 5-10 minutes once the Dr actually enters the room. Next week I get to take the girls on my own. These past visits I had Rob come along so that way if they had to reset her leg, he could be with her. I can't be in the x-ray lab. This next week the Dr said that the bones are entering the "sticky" phase. They'll have a good idea of how things will heal by Mon. This is craziness.

Rob and I were talking last night how horrible a parent feels when their child gets hurt. Basically how you feel that you failed in your job to protect them. You go through all the what-if scenarios beating yourself up because of something that happened that was really out of your control. One of the joys of parenthood.

The other night we watched the movie, Motherhood, with Uma Thurman. It's pretty realistic, and I'm sure many can sympathize if you've lived in NYC. It's a good movie, portraying the reality of being a stay-home mom, I just wasn't in the mood for reality. That said, it has made me think... what does motherhood mean to me? How do I look at motherhood?

Speaking of which- one of mine just woke up... have to finish this later. =0)

The Latest, but not the Greatest

And so I continue to hope that things will continue to improve here in Oceanside. (I still hate our apt but I can't do anything about that right now.) Audrey's leg is healing and we haven't needed to replace this cast yet. Thank Heavens! At her Dr. appt yesterday we were told that her leg was at an 8 last week and a 5 yesterday. Apparently the bones are pulling themselves together. The body is truly an amazing work. Thankfully she's not in any pain. Just a little itchy every so often. Glad it's winter too!

I had a Dr. sign a note to have Audrey receive in-home tutors. Hopefully the teacher calls today and that gets going. I fear she is falling behind. I know why I don't homeschool! I am not a disciplined mother. I'm working on it... but I don't want my kids to suffer while I work out my weakness. =0)

There is a definite chance that Rob won't be transferred to San Marcos like we hoped/thought. So... there is a new possibility that we will be moving back to the OC. Unfortunately I was told it will not be back where I want... but it is the OC! He's heard the great gas-saving benefit of living close to the office/job site. So, if the transfer doesn't go through... then OC here we come!

My sister is having to deal with the trial of cancer. You think skin cancer... no big deal. Dad has stuff removed all the time and nothing has ever come of it. Of course, put the Brague name with it and out comes the rare stuff. When Brague's get sick, we go all out. Sarah has a rare form of skin cancer: Naevoid Melanoma, Stage IV. She's already had the surgery to remove the cancerous mole (found close to her right ankle). Apparently they had to go down to the tendon/bone to remove it all. Which means they also did a skin graft. During that same procedure they removed 2 of her lymph nodes. One was found to have cancer. So the cancer spread. Just how far they are now trying to determine. They did a PT/CT scan and found that a spot in her leg muscle. So next came the MRI. The MRI showed all is clear. =0) HALLELUJAH! Yesterday she had another procedure to remove the remaining lymph nodes in her right leg. They will test these to see if they find any more cancer. There have been tears and giggles. But the unknown is the scariest part of all. The next step for her is to see the oncologist. The rest of the family has to sit back, hope, pray, and support our sister during her greatest trial. The good news is Sarah is bound and determined to fight and beat this beast the world has come to know. I know she will succeed. She always does.

In the beginning...

And so we have moved to Oceanside. Technically we moved in November 1st. However... the girls and I didn't really move in until December 19th. Strange? A little, but we wanted to get through school and finish out some piano lessons. We would come down a weekend here or there, but it wasn't until we came home from a vacation in Utah that I really felt that we moved in. January 1st, 2010. The Kent Family officially moved in to Oceanside.

It's been a bit of a rough start. I was soo excited to sign Audrey up for school until she went to class. A bit of a let-down. Tried to transfer... nope, all full. Bummer. Then while Dad is doing laundry, she and some other kids are playing behind the laundromat. No big deal, until a 6 foot cabinet comes crashing on top of her! Now a broken leg. Second week of school spent at home with a full-leg purple cast. Big Bummer.

Really missing my friends, our schools, our life back in the O.C. Rob is hoping I acclimate a little faster to life in Oceanside, and I wish he would see that the O.C. is where we were meant to be. lol. I kind of feel like singing the song from Evita... "where do we go from here?" But I'm a little too scared to ask. =0)